ALL GOING BACK Now it’s funny where some women live who sing upon the stage They live in places where they’ve never been They’ll rave about the roses that are growing round the door Of that, the dear old home they’ve never seen. They’ve lived in Arizona, they’ve lived in Alabam Last year they all lived down in Texas way. It must be quite a job to move the dear old home about But just the same this year you’ll hear them say They’re all going back, they’re all going back They’re all going back to Tennessee – and Dixie They’ve all got mothers there and fathers by the score They’ve moved the poor old folk about until their feet are sore All of them say when they get back they’ll stay What an overcrowded country it will be But just one thing worries me – When they all go back to Tennessee There’ll be no one left in Wigan but me. Back To Top Of Page A LAD FROM LANCASHIRE No matter where I go, London, Paris, Mexico. Anywhere on Earth, they know my place of birth. I met a girl from London when she sat on Blackpool Pier, She said she could tell, I’m a Lad from Lancashire. She said, "Are you a nudist?" So I blushed and said, "No fear". I’m covered up like a Lad from Lancashire. North or South, when I open my mouth, they know that I’m not Dutch, They can tell I come from Lancashire, but they can’t tell me much. I whispered, "I’ll be nudist if you’ll be the same my dear." She said, "No fear, with a Lad from Lancashire. A widow nice and young and gay said, "Come to tea my dear, I’ve something nice for a Lad from Lancashire." We sat down on the sofa and I felt her creeping near, I said, "Hee Hee! take care, I’m a Lad from Lancashire." North or South, when I open my mouth, they know that I’m not Dutch, They can tell I come from Lancashire, but they can’t tell me much. That widow started kissing me and tickling my ear, I tickled her, like a Lad from Lancashire. I went with Jane down Lover’s Lane, and whispered in her ear, "Now do your best for a Lad from Lancashire." She said to me when on my knee, "You can’t do that there ‘ere." I said, "Hey Hey! I can, I’m the Lad from Lancashire." North or South, when I open my mouth, they know that I’m not Dutch, They can tell I come from Lancashire, but they can’t tell me much. That night when Jane got home again her Ma said, "You look queer, I’ll bet tha’s been with that Lad from Lancashire. Back To Top Of Page AMERICAN MEDLEY The sun shines bright in my old Kentucky home ‘tis summer, the darkies are gay. The corn tops ripe and the meadow’s in the bloom, While the birds make music all the day The Camptown ladies sing this song, Oh a do da, oh a do da The Camptown racetrack five miles long, Oh a do da, oh a do da Going to run all night, going to run all day, I bet my money on a bobtail nag, somebody bet on the bay. She’ll be coming round the mountain when she comes, She’ll be coming round the mountain when she comes She’ll be coming round the mountain, coming round the mountain Coming round the mountain when she comes. Way down upon the Swanee river, far far away There’s where my heart is turning ever, There’s where the old folk stay I came from Alabama with a banjo on my knee I’m going to Louisiana, my true love for to see Oh, Susanna, don’t you cry for me, I’ve come from Alabama with a banjo on my knee Over there, over there, send a word, send a word over there That the Yanks are coming, the Yanks are coming The drums rum tumming everywhere Over there, say a prayer, send the word, send the word to beware We’ll be over, we’re coming over, and we won’t come back till it’s over, over there. Anchors Aweigh my boys, anchors aweigh, farewell to college joys We sail at break of day, day, day, day, Through out last night on shore, Drink to the foam, until we meet again Here’s wishing you a happy voyage home. Back To Top Of Page ANDY THE HANDY MAN Now I’m a jack-of-all-trades, as busy as a bee Should anything need fixing, just get in touch with me If your water cistern’s frozen, or the baby’s face turns blue Ring me on the telephone, ‘cos I know what to do They call me Andy, George Andy, Andy the handy man My job is dandy, dandy, I do the best I can I’m always at your service, you may depend And don’t forget it’s never too late to mend As an artist I draw faces, my profiles are divine, But when it comes to figures, that’s where I’m not so fine A girl told me last night, I didn’t know where to "draw the line" Oh, it comes in handy being a handy man Now in the park one morning, a bulldog I did see I fairly stood and shivered when it came and sniffed at me I didn’t even move when it mistook me for a tree Oh, it comes in handy being a handy man They call me Andy, George Andy, Andy the handy man My job is dandy, dandy, I do the best I can I’m always at your service, you may depend And don’t forget it’s never too late to mend A baby once was christened, the parson said "well, well" He isn’t like his mother or his father you can tell Who does the child remind you of? And the choir began to yell, "Oh, it comes in handy being a handy man" A girl gave me a gold watch, I said "it’s rather light It’s got no works inside it, now surely that’s not right" She said "now don’t you worry, I’ll give you the works tonight" Oh, I comes in handy being a handy man Additional couplet I went to mend a bath once, imagine my surprise, When the outline of a female inside the bath I spies I thought I’d better make quite sure, but the soap got in my eyes Oh, it comes in handy being a handy man Back To Top Of Page AS THE HOURS AND THE DAYS AND THE WEEKS ...... He loved her and she loved him but her chance is mighty slim Of ever getting married to her man. They’ve been courting years and years and fixed the wedding day She was two hours early and he was six months late All day for him she’ll cry, her eyes are never dry As the hours and the days and the weeks and the months and the years roll by. She’ll talk about a weep, she stands there ankle deep As the hours and the days and the weeks and the months and the years roll by. They say better late than never, two birds of a feather, must get together She’ s bought real posh underwear and said the maiden’ s prayer As the hours and the days and the weeks and the months and the years roll by. The twin bed by her side is still unoccupied As the hours and the days and the weeks and the months and the years roll by. Each night no hope at all, her face turned to the wall As the hours and the days and the weeks and the months and the years roll by. They say better late than never, two birds of a feather, must get together. She complains its so unjust, her trousseau full of dust As the hours and the days and the weeks and the months and the years roll by. How she sighs and sighs and sighs, quite an outsize size in size She seems to miss the things she’s never had. When he said goodbye-ye he kissed her on the mat That only set her longing for something more than that. Where they used to meet, she stands and gets cold feet As the hours and the days and the weeks and the months and the years roll by. She says she’s taken root, it’s growing through her boot. They say better late than never, two birds of a feather, must get together. There’s a wart upon her nose, good gracious how it grows As the hours and the days and the weeks and the months and the years roll by. Her age is twenty three, that’s all she means to me She’s making baby clothes, and says one never knows They say better late than never, two birds of a feather, must get together. Oh she’ll never know for sure, what God made husbands for As the hours and the days and the weeks and the months and the years roll by Back To Top Of Page AUNTIE MAGGIES REMEDY Now there’s all sorts of medicines that you can buy No matter what ailment you’ve got But I know a special one you ought to try You’ll find it’s the best of the lot It’s my Auntie Maggie’s home made remedy it’s guaranteed never to fail That’s the stuff that will do the trick It’s sold at every chemist for "one and a kick". Now if you’ve got lumbago, rheumatics or gout, Or a pain in your Robert E. Lee Don’t kick up a shindy, you’ll never get windy With my Auntie Maggie’s Remedy If you set your alarm clock for eight in the morning You’re bound to wake up I’ll agree But I’ll bet you by heaven, you’ll wake up at seven With my Auntie Maggie’s Remedy In a young lady’s bedroom I went by mistake My intentions were honest you see She shouted with laughter, "I know what you’re after It’s my Auntie Maggie’s Remedy." Oh my Auntie Maggie’s home made remedy, It’s guaranteed never to fail That’s the stuff that will do the trick It’s sold at every chemist for "one and a kick". Now when the baby starts crying, there’s always a reason And if you inspect him you’ll see, The poor little chappy has covered his nappy With Auntie Maggie’s Remedy Now I went to a doctor, I wasn’t too well And he made me lie on a settee He said "There’s trouble brewing, you’ve been overdoing Your Auntie Maggie’s Remedy." Now I know a girl who was putting on weight, In a spot where it just shouldn’t be So I said to Nellie, "Now you rub your – ankle, With Auntie Maggie’s Remedy." Additional Verse Now one day at the races, the horse that I backed Could have won it was easy to see But the trainer said after, it would have run faster With Auntie Maggie’s Remedy – inside it’s nosebag With Auntie Maggie’s Remedy Back To Top Of Page A FARMERS BOY I’ve gone in for farming, I like the life, mixed up with sows and rams So much time I share, with the animals there, I ’m beginning to baa like the lamb. The air is so fresh, you get quite a thrill, But some of the milkmaids are much fresher still. To be a farmers boy, down on the farm. Can’t come to harm down there. Early to bed makes you feel right as rain, Before I’m asleep I just get up again Down at the village inn, the daughters so nice, my fresh eggs she does enjoy For two eggs she lets me give her kisses a few, For four eggs I can kiss her yes and cuddle her too. Tonight I’m going to find out what a dozen will do Oh it’s grand to be a farmer’s boy To be a farmers boy, down on the farm. Can’t come to harm down there. We’ve got fourteen pigs, that’s a lot you can tell, Fourteen, that’s not counting the farmer as well! I get ten bob a week, and everything found, and what have I found oh boy! One day the farmer said, “someone, my farm tried to rob” Two prize sheep were stolen, twas a very bad job, I’ve just sold two fine sheepskin rugs for twenty five bob Oh it’s grand to be a farmers boy. To be a farmers boy, down on the farm, can’t come to harm down there. I milk all the cows and I bob the sheep’s wool, Then play hide and seek with a savage mad bull I met a country maid on marketing day, with her basket she looked so coy, She said she was a shepherdess they called her Bo-Peep, She’d lost her lambs, I said I’ll help you find them don’t weep I know that I found everything excepting her sheep, Oh its grand to be a farmers boy.

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