TALKING TO THE MOON ABOUT YOU I'm a lucky son of a gun, I can't believe that it's true That this lucky son of a gun, found somebody like you. I think you must know the man in the moon, Up in the heavens so blue, Because I think you fell from heaven, I'm talking to the moon about you. I think he must know the reason you fell, I've got an idea he knew And even though I know he'll never tell, I'm just talking to the moon about you. He may be saw the angels take, a rainbow from the skies and make A beautiful someone especially for me, I felt like a Romeo too, And that's the very reason why you see me just talking to the moon about you. I want to find out if you're a good cook, and various things that you do, You got me going crazy honey lamb, I'm just talking to the moon about you. It's heaven to look right into your eyes, the feeling is something so new, I think I'm down to earth then realise, I'm just talking to the moon about you. I wish I knew if I'd a chance, to marry you and find romance,I 'd love to find out how homely you are, and if you'd share a cottage for two. Or if you're just a lovely fallen star, if that's the case it's right, To go on every night, just talking to the moon about you. Back To Top Of Page TAN TAN TIVVY TALLY HO D'ya ken John Peel with his coat so grey, He was a huntsman so they say. Now I'm going to tell you one and all of a hunt we had at Teddicombe Hall. First in the field with the hunt that year we started off with a huntsman's cheer I was in charge of the huntsman’s beer, Tan Tan Tivvy Tally Ho. Sharp on the stroke of nine we went, an hour in a lavender field we spent That put the dogs right off the scent, Tan Tan Tivvy Tally Ho. Tally Ho, then the horn began to blow, and away we start to go With a hi gee up and a hi gee whoa. At the head of the field was Major Snell, he’d hired a horse from the Tram Hotel The horse wouldn’t go till he rang his bell, Tan Tan Tivvy Tally Ho. Old Farmer Gray who is eighty-eight, he took a leap at a five barred gate He landed on a spot where I can't state, Tan Tan Tivvy Tally Ho. A lady remarked as she joined the group, "The tail of the fox I hope to scoop 'Cause I'm very fond of foxtail soup". Tan Tan Tivvy Tally Ho. Up and down, we were bobbing up and down, I was next to Mrs. Brown Who was shouting, "What ho, she bumps He Ho." The hounds are away through a hedge of thorn, But where is the blast of the huntsman's horn" He was too busy blasting the coat he’d torn, Tan Tan Tivvy Tally Ho. A local policemen I confess, joined in the hunt and as you can guess He wanted the fox's name and address, Tan Tan Tivvy Tally Ho. Johnson's gee gee went on strike, he left him there and began to hike He finished the hunt on an old pushbike, Tan Tan Tivvy Tally Ho. "To the kill" someone shouted "to the kill" and as we got up the hill All the hounds had got was an old scarecrow. The dogs were keen and deserving praise,They followed the fox down various ways For eleven more months and ten more days, Tan Tan Tivvy Tally Ho. Now those who are fond of a huntsman's call Must come to the hunt down Teddicombe Hall. Bring your own Yoicks and your Tally Tally Ho, and a hunting we will go. Back To Top Of Page THANKS MR. ROOSEVELT John Bull has written a message and sent it off by clipper plane today. Oh what a wonderful message, now let me tell you what it had to say. It just said "Thanks Mr. Roosevelt it's swell of you For the way you're helping us to carry on. You'll see the British Empire smiling through When these dark and stormy days are gone. And Franklyn, by the way, please convey Our congratulations to the folks in USA We’re saying thanks Mr. Roosevelt we're proud of you For the way you're helping us to carry on. Old friend you've never denied us, In our hearts your name Is evergreen, Your land is standing beside us, As in the days of nineteen seventeen. So we say "Thanks Mr. Roosevelt it's swell of you For the way you're helping us to carry on. You'll see the British Empire smiling through When these dark and stormy days are gone. And Franklyn, by the way, please convey Our congratulations to the folks in USA We're saying "Thanks Mr. Roosevelt we're proud of you For the way you're helping us to carry on. And Franklyn, by the way, please convey Our congratulations to the folks in USA We're saying, "Thanks Mr. Roosevelt, we're proud of you For the way you're helping us to carry on. Back To Top Of Page THE BABY SHOW You’ve all seen the Lord Mayor’s Show, the Flower Show and the Motor Show, But there’s one thing I’d like to know, have you seen a baby show? I saw one not long ago it filled me with delight, And if you’d been there I know, you’d love each tiny mite. Hear them hollerin’, hear them hollerin’, at the baby show, Lots of chubby ones, lots of grubby ones, laid out in a row. We had babies from the Isle of Wight, we had babies that were black and white, Tall ones, small ones, what a funny site, all singing "eeny meeny miny mo" Maudes and Lillians, Jacks and Gillians, sane and silly’uns, plain and frilly un’s Hot and chilly un’s, there were millions at the baby show Hear them hollerin’, hear them hollerin’, at the baby show, Lots of sandy ones, lots of bandy ones, laid out in a row. We had babies wrapped up in a shawl, we had babies with no clothes at all, Long ones, wrong ones, like a rubber ball, all singing "eeny meeny miny mo". Janes and Nelly’uns stiff and jelly ‘uns, quiet and yelly ‘uns, sick and welly ‘uns. Cohens and Kelly uns, Big fat belly uns at the baby show. Hear them hollerin’, hear them hollerin’, at the baby show, Lots of dolly ones, lots of jolly ones laid out in a row. We had babies from the Hebrides, we had babies from the Pyrenees, Dumb ones, rum ones, some with shaky knees, all singing "eeny meeny miny mo". Mays and Mary ‘uns, rash and wary ‘uns, plump and spary ‘uns, round and squary ‘uns, Bald and hairy ‘uns, vegetarians, at the Baby show. Back To Top Of Page THE BARMAID AT THE ROSE AND CROWN In town there is a little pub which gives much satisfaction, The men don’t go there for the beer: the barmaid's the attraction. Her age is, oh well, quite all that ,and more on Monday morning. She knows her onions. Take my word, she's heard the gypsy's warning. She lays on powder as thick as crust, I’ve smacked her cheek and what a fuss, I couldn't see her face for dust, the Barmaid At The Rose And Crown. She wears nice undies full of thrills, all silken lace and saucy frills, I know because I've seen the bills and paid ‘em at the Rose And Crown. There is a tavern in the town, in the town, And in that tavern there's a bust forty inches round. She's got a figure fine and fair , there’s lots of it and some to spare, It goes in here and comes out there, the Barmaid At The Rose And Crown. She likes to think that you are hers and if you prove a quitter, She'll cry into your class of mild .and turn it into bitter. She'll have a little drink with you and make you nice and cosy, And if you never count your change; you’ll make a hit with rosie. She always looks so very posh, so many rings she wears, by gosh, Her hands she never has to wash, the Barmaid At The Rose And Crown. The pendant round her neck is great, it’s larger than a dinner plate, She's got round shoulders with the weight, The Barmaid At The Rose And Crown. There is a tavern in the town, in the town, And in that tavern there's a lass in a glittering gown. With jewellery she takes the bun, her ear-rings weigh quite half a ton, She lets me swing on them for fun, the Barmaid At The Rose And Crown. Now if you want her to seize and round her waist you give a squeeze, You'll hear her shout, "not this side please,"The Barmaid At The Rose And Crown. If she ever falls for you, a kiss will last an hour or two, She's got her lipstick mixed with glue, the Barmaid At The Rose And Crown. There is a tavern in the town, in the town, And in that tavern there are lips that have won renown. But if you take her for a mug, and ever try to sneak a hug, She'll kick you in the "bottle and jug," The Barmaid At The Rose And Crown. Back To Top Of Page THE BLUE EYED BLONDE NEXT DOOR A lovely blue eyed blondie, has come to live next door, I’ve see a lot of her and now I want to see some more. She’s not too shy and not too bold, she’s young and tender I’ve been told, She makes me go all hot and cold – the blue eyed blonde next door. On washing day she looks divine, when hanging you know on the line, She’s got more lace on hers than mine - the blue eyed blonde next door. I’m much more friendly with her than all the other guys, I go all of a dither when she starts to roll her eyes. She’s got a little turned up nose, each day she’s wearing different cloths, But where she gets them no one knows - the blue eyed blonde next door. I took her out because she cried, she loved the simple countryside, The cosy nooks filled her with pride - the blue eyed blonde next door. I found out in those cosy nooks, beside the simple babbling brooks, She’s not so simple as she looks - the blue eyed blonde next door. She hasn’t got a brother, her father lives in France, she never had a mother, She was born round at her aunt’s. I didn’t think she’s fall for me, till one day she climbed up a tree, She fell and hurt her dignity - the blue eyed blonde next door. She’s learning dancing and its true – one day the splits she tried to do, She nearly split herself in two - the blue eyed blonde next door. She’s fond of music I am sure – she asked me in to play some more, So I supply the music for - the blue eyed blonde next door. She calls me in there daily to sing and have a chat, she plays my ukulele, And she’s getting good at that. When mother said “Where have you been?” I’ve been to London to see the Queen, She said “I know the Queen you mean - the blue eyed blonde next door.” Back To Top Of Page THE BEST OF SCHEMES For one hundred pounds, a lot though it sounds, the Channel I bet that I’d swim, I’m a rascal for sports so in my little shorts, I turned up full of vim. I said to myself I’m fine, and the money’s as good as mine. But the best of schemes will often go wrong, they often go wrong with me. I jumped in the water, but it was all in vain, ‘Twas so cold and wet, I jumped out again. Although I froze, I said "here goes" and started good and strong. I swam for fourteen hours with the sea like a lake I reached the other side and said "the money I’ll take", And then I found I’d swam the Serpentine by mistake. And another good scheme went wrong. I used to live swell at a hotel, and there’s a young lady stayed there too, So lovely was she I said "this is me, and I’ll have to see more of you", Quite well with her I shaped, and she guessed I’d got something taped, But the best of schemes will often go wrong, they often go wrong with me. She gave me the ‘glad eye’ as on the stairs we both passed, I said to myself "He, He! I’ve clicked at last", I thought I’d bluff, the caveman stuff, my love was growing strong. That night I watched and waited till I heard her retire, Then crept along the landing in my scanty attire, But just as I got to her door the hotel caught fire. And another good scheme when wrong. Back To Top Of Page HE WAS SUCH A DARING YOUNG MAN I’ve got a story, a story that’s true,I’m telling you right now, The tale of a gymnast upon a trapeze. With muscular arms, legs and beautiful knees. Without a fault he’d somersault, turn over complete, He was such a daring young man. You couldn’t place which was his face or which was his seat, He was such a daring young man. Then his fellow partner he would catch in mid-air, He’d pretend to miss him but he’d grab him somewhere. But just exactly where he grabbed him, he didn’t care, ‘Cause he was such a daring young man. The lights went low as too and fro he gracefully slipped, He was such a daring young man. To change his clothes from head to toes, in darkness he stripped, He was such a daring young man. He took off his coat and trousers during the flight, Then when he’d finished changing up went the lights, But by mistake he’d only got one leg in his tights, ‘Cause he was such a daring young man. He was such a daring young man. A lady fair shot through the air towards his trapeze, Now he was such a daring young man. He caught her wrist then gave a twist, pulled her on his knees, He was such a daring young man. He caught that flying lady with such judgement and tacked, But she’d a jealous husband and the theatre in fact, Was not the only place that she’d been caught in the act, Ee but he was such a daring young man. Back To Top Of Page THE EMPEROR OF LANCASHIRE I've got a feeling it's my lucky day, come on fellers I'm on my way, I'm going right up to the top of the tree, so come right in and have a drink with me. It won't be long till I make my pile, then I'll live in the grandest style. I’ll be a Cotton King yes sir, I’ll be the Emperor of Lancashire. I'll have a retinue ten miles long, and an army ten million strong, Big white elephants, by the score, and a fleet at anchor off the Wigan shore. Don't you recognise who I am? You've got to give me a big salaam. You've got to end with a vote of thanks, to the Emperor of Lancs.. Now bow down everyone here I come, bang that cymbal and hit that drum. Bow down everyone, yes sir, I'm the Emperor of Lancashire. Who's this gentleman flashing dough? Is he somebody we should know? Is he somebody? Yes sir! I'm Emperor of Lancashire. Who's this gentleman talking loud? Is he one of the usual crowd? Who's this gentleman? Yes sir! I'm the Emperor of Lancashire. Don't you recognise who you've seen? He's the boss of the whole chabine. He's the fellow who broke the bank. That's me, I'm the Emperor of Lancs. Who's that fellow they're crowding round, Who's that sucker the boys have found. Did you say sucker? My dear sir, I'm Emperor of Lancashire. Now I'm going back to my native town, with my millions I'll knock 'em down, I'll have everything in my power and I'll build a palace on the Blackpool tower. On my birthday the crowds will cheer, all the fountains will flow with beer. Blackpool Wakes will run all year, for the Emperor of Lancashire. I'll hold a banquet for fifty score, tripe and onions and whelks galore, Stewed pigs trotters, aye and mutton shanks for the Emperor of Lancs. Bow down everyone, here I come, bang that cymbal and hit that drum. Bow down everyone, yes sir, I'm the Emperor of Lancashire. Bow down everyone here I come, bang that cymbal and hit that drum, Bow down everyone, yes sir, I'm the Emperor of Lancashire. Back To Top Of Page THE GHOST The house that I live in is haunted, I've heard funny noises of late, For one evening in the back kitchen I'll swear. I saw a mans shadow go creeping in there, When I told the wife she said "Hush it's a ghost. And you'd be better get off to bed.. Keep out of his way, don't let him see you, Every man that he looks at drops dead. I'm terrified out of my life, I'd leave the house but for the wife. Our house is haunted, I'm sure there's a ghost in the house, One night death-like silence was heard all about. To make matters worse all the lights they went out. The wife said to me "Off to bed, and I'll see if I can't find the ghost." She went in the pantry, "Don't move", someone said. Then I heard things like knives being sharpened - I turned red. When a voice said, "Where is he?" I fell out of bed. Oh I wish we were rid of the ghost. One night as I sat in the bedroom, I heard a disturbance downstairs. Someone screamed and said, "Oh you mustn't do that". I locked my room door and hid under the mat. I used to have three suits of clothes once to wear, but now I can only find one. I said to the wife, "Where's my clothes? She said, "Hush and I'll see if the ghost has 'em on." She says through brick walls he can get, he's been through my pockets I'll bet. Our house is haunted, I'm sure there's a ghost in the house. Every night round the place softly creeping he goes. But my wife's not frightened, her courage she shows. Each night I can hear him below, and the wife knows I'm frightened the most. She gets up and leaves me in bed, filled with fright. Whilst downstairs for hours she hunts him left and right. I haven't seen her since eleven last night. Oh I wish we were rid of the ghost. (Oh Mother). Back To Top Of Page THE LANCASHIRE TOREADOR I've been to Spain but never again, I couldn't go there twice, 'Cos my name's John Willie but they said it sounded silly. And they wouldn’t call me that at any price. They soon made me change my name and a real proper Spaniard I became: Don Pedro, the great bull-fighting hero, The Lancashire Toreador. They cheer me and when the bull gets near me, To show how far a brave man can go with the bull I danced the Tango. Then when I hung on his tail my pants he tried to gore. I went dashing round the ring with him giving chase, Three times he tossed me in the air, I looked a disgrace. They shouted, 'Look at all that skin and bone round the place, It's The Lancashire Toreador.' Don Pedro, the great bull-fighting hero, The Lancashire Toreador. I met-a charming senor-eta, She said, 'To love you I can never', then kissed me good-bye for ever. That night, as she retired, she locked her bedroom door. She started to undress and timidly she looked round, Said, 'Thank God, I am rid of him for he's homeward bound', But when she pulled the bed clothes down now guess what she found? Why The Lancashire Toreador. Don Pedro, the great bull-fighting hero, The Lancashire Toreador. I scare 'em, no mercy ever spare 'em. In the dead of night I ramble, Spanish castle walls I scramble. I saw a shadow above a girl in her boudoir. I climbed up her balcony, it started to sway. She shouted, 'Murder! there's a bandit, spare my life, pray'. But when my castanets I rattled she said, 'Hooray! It's The Lancashire Toreador'. Back To Top Of Page THE LEFT HAND SIDE OF EGYPT Have you ever seen the beauties of the Nile? If you haven’t you would find it worth your while. But you have to take a little bit of care. Let me tell you what occurred when I was there. I saw a beauty of the Nile, throwing stones at a crocodile, On the left hand side of Egypt going in. She smiled at me she did, took me into a pyramid. On the left hand side of Egypt going in. All sorts of things I saw, things I’d never, never seen before, Lucky there was nobody about. I took that beauty of the Nile, threw her in to a crocodile, On the left hand side of Egypt coming out. I saw a beauty of the Nile, throwing stones at a crocodile, On the left hand side of Egypt going in. That girl was all tattooed, pictures there on her "don’t be rude", On the left hand side of Egypt going in. Tattooed upon her hips, she'd got beautiful battleships, Lucky there was nobody about. I'd tell you so much more but you know, careless talk would assist the foe, On the left hand side of Egypt coming out. I saw a beauty of the Nile, throwing stones at a crocodile, On the left hand side of Egypt going in. That night was dark but calm, we sat under a leafy palm, On the left hand side of Egypt going in. One kiss I had to grin, she'd got bristles on her chin, Lucky there was nobody about. She spoke to me in real broad Scotch, 'twas a kiltie from the old Black Watch, On the left hand side of Egypt coming out. I saw a beauty of the Nile, throwing stones at a crocodile, On the left hand side of Egypt coming in. Like the Sheik of Araby I took her into a tent with me, On the left hand side of Egypt going in. She stole my gold watchcase, the works I keep in a secret place, Lucky there was nothing else about. She stole the empty case alright, but I gave her the works on the following night, On the left hand side of Egypt coming out. Back To Top Of Page THE MAD MARCH HARE Now listen folks I'm the Mad March Hare, I'm cra-zy as a chap, But if you look around you'll find folks craz-i-er than me: "Tell me please", said the walrus to the oyster, "Where's my wife, I can't find her anywere?" Now if she's in, the oyster bed without pyjamas, That'll make her madder than the Mad March Hare. The queen of hearts said "I'll have the king beheaded, Very soon, he's going to have a scare. When he finds he's got no head to have a headache, That’ll make him madder than the Mad March Hare. The lion and unicorn were fighting for the crown, On the lawn from early morn. We congregated here and while we waited here, Cookie said, "for the crab I've got no salad. Served undressed why he'd be absolutely bare". Then said the crab, "If I catch a cold and then sneeze my head off, That’ll make him madder than the Mad March Hare. The parrot man on the perch was gaily swinging, But when he somersaulted in the air, Alice said, "Well, if he should fall and break his contract, That’ll make him madder than the Mad March Hare. "On the left folks, see the pelican so greedy, He bolts his food and gets more than his share. But if his beak doesn't hold more than his belly can, That’ll make him madder than the Mad March Hare. The lion and the unicorn were fighting for the crown, On the lawn from early morn. We congregated here and while we waited here, "Pardon me", said the Duchess to the doormouse, "But had you left your knitting on the chair?" If the king sits down, he's bound to get the needle, That’ll make him madder than the Mad March Hare. "Marry me", said the footman to the rabbit "Marry thee", said bunny, "Have a care, If I had a fam-i-ly of little tidd-leys, That’ll make him madder than the Mad March Hare. Tweedle Dum said, "My pants are getting tighter. "Tweedle Dee said, "You're fatter I declare, Well if you can't do your belly bottom button up, That’ll make him madder than the Mad March Hare. The lion and the unicorn were fighting for the crown, On the lawn from early morn. We congregated here and while we waited here, "Let's elope", said the monkey to the parrot. "Eee, fly with you", said Polly, "Have a care". Now if you don't, start your little monkey tricks. That’ll make him madder than the Mad March Hare. That’ll make him madder than the Mad March Hare. Brrr. Back To Top Of Page OLD CANE BOTTOM CHAIR. Now we've got a chair at our house, it's an antique worth a lot, It's a very rare chair is our chair, it's the only chair we've got. Now when we had the bums in they left our house so bare, The only thing they left us was the old cane bottom chair. Our family all take turns to sit down I declare, It's my turn Friday fortnight for the old cane bottom chair. It's been the seat of trouble from the start, Yet nothing could be closer to my heart. We had it newly varnished and mother got a scare, She cried I'll stick forever to the old cane bottom chair. It used to be in Fleet Street when Sweeney Todd was there, He polished off his victims in the old cane bottom chair. A tin tack on the woodwork tore auntie's underwear, She felt the breezes blowing through the old cane bottom chair. It's been the seat of trouble from the start, Yet nothing could be closer to my heart. At school my teacher caned me, the rod he didn't spare, For weeks I couldn't sit down on the old cane bottom chair. One morning Jessie Bailey, she sat the triplets there, Our tom cat had a shower, neath the old cane bottom chair. When I was young and skinny, the first time I sat there, I slipped through the hole in the middle of the old cane bottom chair. It's been the seat of trouble from the start, Yet nothing could be closer to my heart. There's two chairs we're proud of, a great historic pair, The grand old throne of England and the old cane bottom chair. Back To Top Of Page THE OLD KITCHEN KETTLE It doesn’t take me much to make me happy, So when my job is over every day. To sit beside the fire, is all that I desire, And just to help to pass the time away. And the old kitchen kettle keeps singing a song, singing a song for me. And as long as the kettle keeps singing a song. I’m happy as can be. I have my ups I have my downs, But I keep smiling when the whole world frowns. ‘Cos the old kitchen kettle keeps singing a song, singing a song for me. I have a drink, I go to bed, I wake next morning with a great big head. There’s a cuckoo clock that greets me on the mantel, A dog that lies contented at my feet. A cosy easy chair, to rock away my care, And just to make the picture quite complete. Oh, the old kitchen kettle keeps singing a song, singing a song for me. And as long as the kettle keeps singing a song, I’m happy as can be. I may be rich I may be poor, But when the wolves are howling round my door. Oh, the old kitchen kettle keeps singing a song, singing a song for me. You may be smart you may be not, But could you keep singing on a place so hot. Back To Top Of Page THE ‘V’ SIGN SONG Let the clouds roll by and the clear blue sky, Bring the sunshine back again. Raise your voice aloud and be mighty proud, To sing a Victory refrain. There's a V formation in the sky, There's a V formation flying by. There's a V on land and a V on sea, A great big V telling V for victory. There's a V formation o’er the foam, And another one over Rome. But democracy can never be free, Till the boys come marching home. As the days emerge, we are on the verge, Of the most exciting news. As a single voice let us all rejoice, Goodbye to 1940 blues. There's a V sign everywhere we go, Winston Churchill started it we know. There's a V for you and a V for me, The V sign sent by the B.B.C. There's a V sign ready for release, If our efforts we increase. And we'll shout hurray that wonderful day, When the V sign signals peace. There's a V formation in the sky, There's a V formation flying by. There's a V on land and a V on sea, A great big V spelling V for victory. There's a V formation o'er the foam, And another one over Rome. But democracy can never be free, Till the boys come marching home. Back To Top Of Page THE WEDDING OF MR. WU There's going to be a celebration, down Limehouse way. For Mr. Wu and his Chinese girl are getting married today. All the folks who use his laundry, will be there to see them married wet or fine, And the little church will sure be decorated, with the washing off the backyard line. At the wedding, at the wedding, at the wedding of Mr. Wu, Oh what a sight, won't it be bright, there'll be colours there of almost every hue. The "Chinese Laundry Blues" will surely be the wedding march. There'll be collars, ties and shirts and fronts and stockings full of starch. At the wedding, at the wedding, at the wedding of Mr. Wu. There's bound to be a lot of different nationalities, There'll be some chaps with chopsticks trying to eat a plate of peas. At the wedding, at the wedding, at the wedding of Mr. Wu. At the wedding, at the wedding, at the wedding of Mr. Wu. Oh what a sight, won't it be bright, there'll be colours there of almost every hue. They broke a piece of china, then the marriage vow was read, She took him home and broke a lovely tea-set on his head. At the wedding, at the wedding, at the wedding of Mr. Wu. Back To Top Of Page THE WINDOW CLEANER Now I go cleaning window to earn an honest bob, For a nosey parker it's an interesting job. Now it's a job that just suits me, a window cleaner you would be. If you could see what I can see. When I'm cleaning windows. Honeymooning couples too, you should see them bill and coo. You'd be surprised at things they do, When I'm cleaning windows. In my profession I'll work hard, but I'll never stop. I'll climb this blinking ladder 'til I get right to the top. The blushing bride she looks divine, the bridegroom he is doing fine, I'd rather have his job than mine. When I'm cleaning windows. The chambermaid sweet names I call, it's a wonder I don't fall. My minds not on my work at all, When I'm cleaning windows. I know a fellow such a swell, he has a thirst that's plain to tell. I've seen him drink his bath as well, When I'm cleaning windows. Oh In my profession I work hard, but I'll never stop. I'll climb this blinking ladder ‘til I get right to the top. Pyjamas lying side by side, ladies nighties I have spied. I've often seen what goes inside, when I'm cleaning windows. There's a famous talkie queen, she looks a flapper on the screen. She's more like eighty than eighteen, When I'm cleaning windows. She pulls her hair all down behind, then pulls down her, never mind, And after that pulls down the blind. When I'm cleaning windows. In my profession I work hard, but I'll never stop. I'll climb this blinking ladder ‘til I get right to the top. An old maid walks around the floor, She’s so fed up one day I’m sure. She’ll drag me in and lock the door, When I’m cleaning Windows. When I’m cleaning Windows. Back To Top Of Page THERE’S NOTHING PROUD ABOUT ME I’m not stuck up or proud, I’m just one of the crowd, A good turn I’ll do when I can. A local doctor one night needed something put right, And he wanted a handy man. There’s nothing proud about me, I dashed round as quick as can be, A girl on the couch said "I’m fearing the worst, Had I better take just a few things off first. I think I need overhauling", I answered, "So I see, But first of all the truth I must tell,I’ve called to look at your front street doorbell. But I don’t mind if I overhaul you as well, There’s nothing proud about me." Out in Persia one day, that’s a long way away, I found that I hadn’t a cent. For a bed then I thought, well the Sultan’s a sport, To his palace at once I went. There’s nothing proud about me, I’m fond of good company. The harem was full up with wives of all kind, I said, "I’m sure room for me they can find. The Sultan need not be jealous, a good lad I will be. One hundred wives he’s got so it’s said, There must be some place to lay down my head. I don’t mind turning in at the foot of the bed. There’s nothing proud about me. Back To Top Of Page THEY CAN'T FOOL ME Now I've a simple nature, some folk think I'm dense. They think I'm slow but I can show that I've got common sense. We come from monkeys yes alas, some say we've reached a lower class. But each time I look in the glass, they can't fool me. At hunt the button fun I get, some girls are very cute and yet, I find it every time you bet, they can't fool me. I'm no wise guy still I get along, I may not know my left from right but I do know right from wrong. Two old maids said in our flat, "Since last night there's been a rat." I said, "Give him his coat and hat, oh you can't fool me. "My pal puts Violet in his bath, Vi-o-let that makes me laugh, I've found where Violet lives not half, you can't fool me. She giggles when he hugs her tight, when she's kissed she laughs outright, She had convulsions late last night, they can't fool me. I'm no wise guy still I get along, I may not know my left from right but I do know right from wrong. There's a baby born they say, every clock tick that's O.K .I bought a sundial yesterday, they can't fool me. I've bought a house the terms are fine, weekly payments three and nine, In a hundred years the house is mine, oh they can't fool me. Every night a girl named Joyce, walks for miles but not for choice. She rides home in a swell Rolls Royce, oh they can't fool me. I'm no wise guy still I get along, I may not know my left from right but I do know right from wrong. To France a honeymooning pair went to see what it's like there, But it's no different anywhere,They can't fool me. Back To Top Of Page THEY LAUGHED WHEN I STARTED TO PLAY Now when I learned to play the ukulele, I used to practice day and night. My pals all roared as I fumbled at a chord, But I couldn’t get the darned thing right. They laughed when I started to play, they laughed so hearty. Only two lessons I had, I went up the scale and down the scale,It wasn’t so bad, But one chap, he said "Oh what a mug, why you can’t learn that way. "He took the uke off me and said "Now I’ll have a try", Just then the ‘G’ string bust and flew right into his eye. He laughed when I started to play, but he didn’t laugh again all day. Oh they laughed when I started to play, oh they laughed so hearty, Strip poker that’s a good game, Once I lost my trousers to a gambling dame. But when, I started shuffling the cards, then the luck came my way. I won a frock and undies, she was left I declare, As bare as any savage and as savages are bear. She laughed when I started to play, But she didn’t laugh again that day. Now once I watched a game of water polo, With players from a ladies school. The girls all cried "Won’t you make up a side?" So I dashed into the bathing pool. They laughed when I started to play, oh how they laughed so hearty. In goal, I paddled about, a big ball in the water soon I started to clout. Each time, that it came bobbing back, well I smacked it away. Just then the ball turned over and a girl said "No larks", "Seven times you’ve hit me where I can’t show the marks." She laughed when I started to play, But she didn’t laugh again that day. Back To Top Of Page THIRTY THIRSTY SAILORS Now there s a ship that's homeward bound and it's been to Timbuctoo, And on that ship that’s homeward bound there’s a very thirsty crew. They've been on the wagon sixty days or more, And every night on the lower deck you'll hear the sailors roar. Thirty thirsty sailors sailing on the sea. Thirty thirsty sailors they’re as thirsty as can be. Thirty thirsty sailors, they don't pine for love, Thirty pints of foaming glory, all they're thinking of. Yo ho ho and bottle of rum puts hair upon your chest. You’ll hear thirty thirsty sailors holler beer is best in barrells. Soon they’ll be in Pompey, spending ten bob notes, Pouring pints of wallop down their thirty thirsty throats. Thirty thirsty sailors, sailing on the sea, Thirty thirsty sailors they're as thirsty as can be. Soon you'll hear loud speakers, shout with all their might, "Mothers, keep your girls at home, the fleet's lit up tonight". Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum puts hair upon your chest. You'll hear thirty thirsty sailors holler beer is best in barrells. If they throw a party, you'll hear bits of fluff, Shouting, "Where's my hat and things, the party's getting rough". Thirty thirsty sailors sailing on the sea, Thirty thirsty sailors they're as thirsty as can be. When the battle's over, all the married men, Will go home and stoke the fire, then off to sea again. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum puts hair upon your chest, You'll hear thirty thirsty sailors holler beer is best in barrels. Girls will tell each other when the night is through, Never was so much done for so many by so few. Pouring pints of wallop down their thirty thirsty throats. Back To Top Of Page TRAILING AROUND IN A TRAILER I love the fresh air, it’s great I declare, wide open spaces for me, With trailer and car I set out afar, a rover I meant to be. Over the hills and dales. Over the slugs and snails. Trailing around in a trailer, ee it’s champion camping out. It’s just like a real gypsy life, To make it look more real a gypsy lent me his wife. I’d only one pair of pyjamas, it was awkward there’s no doubt. We shared the suit between us but we found it too tight, She had got the left leg on so I put on the right. The tape it broke and I never got a wink of sleep all night, Ee, it’s champion camping out. On a farm t’other night I was doing all right, a dairymaid sat on my knee. One kiss it begun at a quarter to one and it lasted till half past three. For breakfast we’d eggs and ham, then I thought it was time to scram, (And go) trailing around in my trailer, ee it’s champion camping out. To shut the window one day I tried,I banged it in a hurry with my head still in side. When I was doing some fishing, a girl strayed round about. She smiled and whispered "Any luck?" she seemed a gay spark. As far as fishing went, it’s true my luck was off the mark, But I had a bit of luck with her, as soon it was dark, Ee, it’s champion camping out. Back To Top Of Page THE UKULELE MAN Come on and hear my ukulele, come on and hear, come on and hear. I give a demonstration daily, right over here, right over here. Walk up, walk up chalk this one up to me, whenever I play the world goes gay, The Ukulele Man is here. I’m the Ukulele Man, come and listen if you can, The Children love to hear me play, they even make their mothers stay, And stand and listen all the day to the Ukulele Man. When I out with my little black case, the strangest things occur, A lady smiled and asked me in, I stood and looked at her. She said, "Oh doctor, look at this" to undress she began, I shut my eyes and shouted "Stop, I'm the Ukulele Man." I'm the Ukulele Man, I'm the Ukulele Man, I'm not a doctor that's quite true, but I prescribe a tonic, too. Just smile and you'll come smiling through with the Ukulele Man. When I go out with my little black case, some people get me wrong. A nice young lady said to me, I'm glad you came along, I'd like to see your underwear, please show me all you can, I said, "You won't see none of mine, I'm the Ukulele Man". I'm the Ukulele Man, I’m the Ukulele Man. I'm not a salesman you can guess, but I sell something none the less, So come and buy some happiness from the Ukulele Man. When I go out with my little black case, the strangest jobs I get, A lady shouted out one day "Don't clean those windows yet, I'm in my bath so go away" but promptly in I ran. I'm not cleaning windows now, I'm the Ukulele Man. I'm the Ukulele Man, I'm the Ukulele Man. Though cleaning windows I refuse, I've got a happy piece of news, I’ll come and clean up all your blues, I'm the Ukulele Man. Boys and girls come out to play, for it is a lovely day, Leave your suppers and make hay hay with the Ukulele Man. I'm the Ukulele Man. Back To Top Of Page THE ISLE OF MAN There's a beautiful spot called the Isle of Man Where holiday folk like to go Just how it came to be given that name, really I'd like to know Crowds of spinsters over forty simply dying to be naughty And they call it the Isle Of Man All I've found said young Miss Owen, are old crocks who can't get going And they call it the Isle of Man While there's girls there could it be slow? No, no, a thousand times no. There's old maids who long for squeezes, hugging poms and pekineses And they call it the Isle of Man See the girls in their shorts up to every game Like kids with their spades and their pails On the beach while they lay gay old sea dogs each day Tell them some salty tales Flappers say “what's coming to us, there's no villains to pursue us” And they call it the Isle of Man Auntie murmurs “its disgusting, I'm quite willing yet I'm rusting” And they call it the Isle of Man While there's girls there could it be slow? No, no, a thousand times no. There's a crowd of lovely charmers dressed in father’s beach pyjamas And they call it the Isle of Man Round the dance hall girls are sitting, looking lovely with their knitting And they call it the Isle of Man Those who murmur “what we're game for”, go home minus what they came for And they call it the Isle of Man While there's girls there could it be slow? No, no, a thousand times no. Outside bedroom doors of trippers there's no boots beside the slippers And they call it the Isle of Man

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