GALLANT DICK TURPENTINE I'm gallant Dick Turpentine, just swam the Serpentine, now I'm riding to York. Daring deeds at night I do, holding up coaches, and charabancs too "Stand and deliver!" I shout and they shiver with faces white as chalk. I'm such a devil, I scare 'em and then I rob all the women and kiss all the men. I'm gallant Dick Turpentine, just swam the Serpentine, now I'm riding to York. Patter I'm gallant Dick Turpentine, just swam the Serpentine, now I'm riding to York. Daring deeds at night I do, holding up coaches, and charabancs too "Stand and deliver!" I shout and they shiver with faces white as chalk. I've robbed the mail coach with curses and threats A couple of bathchairs and two bassinettes. I'm gallant Dick Turpentine, just swam the Serpentine, now I'm riding to York. Back To Top Of Page (WHEN THE LADS OF THE VILLAGE) GET CRACKING Hear those marching feet down our village street It's the Home Guard going on parade Every mother's son, shouldering a gun, Out to show the stuff from which we're made We're all set to win, now I’ll tell you all the mob that I am in. When the lads of the village get cracking and the whole platoon turns out Off we go, rain or snow, just like proper soldiers all in a row. At a pub on the right we stayed all the night and the bar-maid smiled at me I brought my pyjamas, now don't say a word I used to be a boy scout and so I came prepared. When the lads of the village get cracking down the road On the road to Victory Now a poacher for fun went bang with his gun at a rabbit near a tree. At diving for cover the rabbit is fast But when he heard that gun go off the rabbit was last. When the lads of the village get cracking down the road to victory. Now a girl on the land was waving her hand as friendly as can be. Talk of invasion, she wasn't afraid She winked her eye at me and murmured "Come on invade". When the lads of the village get cracking down the road to victory. Now we ran a dance it was full of romance, and did we have fun oh gee. We looked for the colonel and found the old chap Practising manoeuvres with a girl on his lap. When the lads of the village get cracking down the road to victory. When the lads of the village get cracking and the whole platoon turns out Off we go, rain or snow, just like proper soldiers all in a row. Now I never could learn to right or left turn And the sergeant swore at me "Right about turn there" I did it so fast The sergeant said "Oh blimey! Right about something at last'. When the lads of the village get cracking down the road to victory. Back To Top Of Page GOODNIGHT LITTLE FELLOW, GOODNIGHT Day is nearly through, you are tired too I'm sure you’ve done your best. Tomorrow morning you, your daily jerks will do So make the most of your night’s rest. Goodnight little fellow, goodnight, It’s time to close your eyes and go to sleep. A "bed-time story" though I could tell, You might repeat it by and by I’d sooner croon a lullaby. Someday, you’ll go your way, it may not be an easy fight But don’t give in, make up your mind to win, Goodnight little fellow, goodnight. Goodnight little fellow, goodnight, It’s time to close your eyes and go to sleep. A "bed-time story" though I could tell, You might repeat it by and by I’d sooner croon a lullaby. Someday, you’ll go your way, it may not be an easy fight But don’t give in, make up your mind to win, Goodnight little fellow, goodnight. Back To Top Of Page GOT TO GET YOUR PHOTO IN THE PRESS Each evening in the paper a picture you will see Of somebody or other who is famous as can be. We all have our ambitions, to break into the news So now I’m going to give you my views If you want to get your photo in the press You must be different some kind of way Individuality plus personality, is what you need today. I met a girl the other night, her name was Martha Hudd She'd lost her teeth, she wore a wig, one leg was made of wood. She said there's not much of me dear, but what there is is good So they should have put her photo in the press. If you want to get your photo in the press You must be different some kind of way Individuality plus personality, is what you need today. Twas Christmas in the workhouse and the pudding got the bird What shall I do, the master cried, then one chap, so I heard, Just stood upon the table and he never said a word But they're going to put his photo in the press. If you want to get your photo in the press You must be different some kind of way Individuality plus personality, is what you need today. The stork paid us a visit, so I called in Doctor Lumm, He told me that my wife had twins, the room began to hum. Then he said I'll slip upstairs again in case there's more to come Ee, I nearly got my photo in the press. If you want to get your photo in the press You must be different some kind of way Individuality plus personality, is what you need today. Lately I've become well known, I'm sure you'll understand. It happened down at Blackpool with some ladies on the sand. They found me with my little ukulele in my hand And they’re going to put my photo in the press. Back To Top Of Page IT'S A GRAND AND HEALTHY LIFE Some chaps like a game of tennis, some like boating on the sea. Some are fond of cricket or a ball they want to kick it But there's only one sport that appeals to me. I love to hike, that's what I like, Ee! but it's a grand and healthy life. I tramp a mile, then sit a while A bumblebee there in the grass comes and stings me on my elbow. Down comes the rain and I get wet through, I can’t blow my nose because it's already blue I catch a chill, and feel so ill. Ee! but it's a grand and healthy life. I love to hike, that's what I like, Ee! but it's a grand and healthy life. While tramping back, the night was black, My girl tripped into a ditch I said, "you are a clumsy bounder." She shouted help! I thought I'd begin Pulling her out but she kept pulling me in The ditch was high, we drank it dry, Ee! but it's a grand and healthy life. I love to hike that's what I like, Ee! but it's a grand and healthy life. My girl and me, sat neath a tree A great big blackbird with its claws came and tore off my girl's jumper When she got home she heard mother shout You haven't come home the same as when you went out She hung her head and blushing said, Ee! but it's a grand and healthy life Back To Top Of Page GRANDAD'S FLANNELETTE NIGHTSHIRT Now in our family we've got an heirloom. They handed it to me a year ago. It's been in our possession since Grandad was a lad. I’ll tell you what it is and then you'll know. It's my Grandad's Flannelette nightshirt In it I was christened one day Down at the church they were in a whirl, No one seemed to know if I were boy or girl. They'd had one or two and ee they were in mess But it's all right said the preacher rather curt. I've been and had a quiz and I've found out what it is By his Grandad's Flannelette shirt lordy lordy, his Grandad's Flannelette shirt. In my Grandad's Flannelette nightshirt I got married one day. In the train my bride gave a shout, "Ee what is that you are pulling out?" I said, "It's old fashioned and it's tattered and torn But I've brought it honeymooning with me Gert" When she said, "What is it dear?" I whispered in her ear "It's my Grandad's Flannelette shirt lordy lordy, my Grandad's Flannelette shirt." The other day I got an invitation to go and join a nudist colony And as the life is healthy and in the open air I trotted off as happy as can be. With my Grandad's Flannelette nightshirt I walked up to the door. Someone said, "Now don't make a fuss, just take off your clothes and you'll be like us." I was bashful so I stayed by myself, for with the girls I didn't want to flirt But when I fell asleep they all came and had a peep At my Grandad's Flannelette shirt lordy lordy, my Grandad's Flannelette shirt. Optional verse – from film In eighteen ten grandfather joined the army, to fight Napoleon across the sea. You've heard about the battle they had at Waterloo, but what was it that brought us victory Why my Grandad's Flannelette nightshirt it saved old England that day Bonaparte said "We are undone" even Josephine put her gasmask on. He shot down our colours and captured our flag, but we are not downhearted it’s a cert, For flying in the gale everyone could see the tail Of my Grandad's Flannelette shirt lordy lordy, My Grandad's Flannelette shirt. Back To Top Of Page GUARDING THE HOME OF THE HOME GUARD Now behold me an L.D.V. for battle I'm just yearning Doing my best like all the rest to keep the home fires burning. Each evening stiff as starch, up and down the street I march. I'm guarding the home of the home guards, guarding the home guards home Steady and strong, all night long, Doing what I'm told and I can't go wrong. Lots of ladies I salute, but one old dame was rather cute. She wanted to see my parachute, while guarding the home guards home. When I shout 'halt' their knees all knock, if they don't stand just like a rock. They get It where the monkey got the clock, guarding the home guards home. I'm guarding the home of the home guards, guarding the home guards home. All night long, steady and strong, doing what I'm told and I can't go wrong. The girls are fond of me no doubt, but last night one of them gave a shout She saw me pulling my bayonet out, guarding the home guards home. One evening as an L.D.V, some German soldiers I did see. They ran like hell but they couldn't catch me guarding the home guards home. I'm guarding the home of the home guards, guarding the home guards home. All night long, steady and strong, doing what I'm told and I can't go wrong. The sergeant nearly had a fit, he found my rifle full of grit So I told him what to do with it, guarding the home guards home We had a visit you can guess, from members of the A.T.S Now the A.T.S. are in a mess, through guarding the home guards home. Rule Britannia, you’ve never any need to roam While I'm guarding, guarding, guarding the home guards home. Back To Top Of Page HAPPY GO LUCKY ME I can laugh, when things ain’t funny, Ha ha happy go lucky me. Yes, I can smile when I ain’t got no money Ha ha happy go lucky me. It may sound silly but I don’t care, I’ve got the moonlight, I’ve got the sun, I’ve got the stars above Me and my sweetie, well we both share Slappy go happy, happy go lucky love, Well life is sweet, yeh, sweet as honey, Ha ha happy go lucky me. Life is sweet, yeh sweet as honey, Ha ha happy go lucky me. It may sound silly but I don’t care, I’ve got the moonlight, I’ve got the sun, I’ve got the stars above Me and my sweetie, well we both share Slappy go happy, happy go lucky love, Well life is sweet, yeh, sweet as honey, Ha ha happy go lucky me. Back To Top Of Page HAVE YOU HEARD THIS ONE HAVE YOU? Fellows who meet in a club or maybe the local pub Start to tell good stories as you all know. One chap seems to know them all, makes the other guys look small, I know one or two so let it go-oh. Have you ever heard this one, have you? Which one? This one. Have you ever heard this one, have you? Which one? This one. Smith said "my wife is ill. and how, She s had quinsies and gran said "wow! And how many does that make now? You've never heard that one, have you. Have you ever heard this one, have you? Which one? This one. Have you ever heard this one, have you? Which one? This one. Crowds outside a bakers in town Watched the window it made me frown, 'cause a tart was upside down. You've-never heard that one, have you? Have you ever heard this one, have you? Which one? This one. Have you ever heard this one, have you? Which one? This one. A man in Venice I tried to find, Far too well he'd wined and dined, Now I've seen a Venetian blind. You've never heard that one, have you? Have you ever heard this one, have you? Which one? This one. Have you ever heard this one, have you? Which one? This one. A man of eighty old and sick Took monkey glands got young and slick, He got so young he did a childish trick. You've never heard that one, have you? Have you ever heard this one, have you? Which one? This one. You've never heard this one, have you? Which one? This one. Mary married Basil Long, The next morning she sang this song, Oh Lord you've made the night too long. You've never heard that one, have you? Have you ever heard this one, have you? Which one? This one. You've never heard this one, have you? Which one? This one. At the wedding of Colonel Blade, There an archway of swords they made, I'm engaged to a chamber maid. You've never heard that one, have you? Back To Top Of Page HINDOO MAN Over there in India a Hindoo resides smoking his hoakam all day Opium and bits of rope and fag ends besides, a wise man from the East Whitechapel way. He's got a lovely palace on the beach He's the Hindoo, Howdoo, Hoodoo, Yoodoo man. He's got twelve bedrooms with eight wives in each, He's the Hindoo, Howdoo, Hoodoo, Yoodoo man. He's got one wife who wears a veil, it covers half her face, From her nose right to her toes you’ll see nothing else but space. She’ll dance and waggle her "San Fairy Ann" For the Hindoo, Howdoo, Hoodoo, Yoodoo man. He practices his magic in the Eastern bazaar Slave girls come under his spell When he puts on the fluence, They don't know where they are He does Indian tricks and dirty tricks as well. Now what he fancies always does him good He's the Hindoo, Howdoo, Hoodoo, Yoodoo man. He lives on rice, roast beef and Yorkshire pud He's the Hindoo, Howdoo, Hoodoo, Yoodoo man. He wears a dishcloth round his waist, His favourite wife called Nellie Said, "You'd look well if the darned thing fell You'd have nowt to cover your……. He said "Who cares, I could always wear a fan I'm a Hindoo, Howdoo, Hoodoo, Yoodoo man. He looks just like a Nabob of renown He's the Hindoo, Howdoo, Hoodoo, Yoodoo man A Nabob, two bob, three bob, half a crown. He's a Hindoo, Howdoo, Hoodoo, Yoodoo man. A Princess brought him jewels and said "For all your love I yearn" But jewels could not compare with what He went and gave her in return. He's ninety nine, but he does all he can. For a Hindoo, Howdoo, Hoodoo, Yoodoo Man. Back To Top Of Page HI-TIDDLY-HI-TI ISLAND I've just come back from a cannibal isle called Hi-tiddly-hi-ti-ti; Where a dusky queen said "Hello Bean!" and gave me the goo-goo eye. Her face was like an empty space, and my poor heart went 'bing’ I tried to go but she shouted, "Whoa!" And made me her"Hi-ti" King In Hi-tiddly-hi-ti Island, everybody wears a smile; Hi-tiddly-hi-ti Island, everybody lives in style The girls out there are full of sport, and were their frocks a trifle short, Some are simply 'wrapped in thought' In Hi-Tiddly-Hi-Ti Isle. Hi-tiddly-hi-ti Island, everybody wears a smile; Hi-tiddly-hi-ti Island, everybody lives in style Young couples go to bathe, you'll find, And leave their bathing suits behind, It's a darned good job that love is blind In Hi-tiddly-hi-ti Isle Hi-tiddly-hi-ti Island, everybody wears a smile; Hi-tiddly-hi-ti Island, everybody lives in style The life's so fast and swift and gay, You live two weeks then fade away, I'm taking the wife for a fortnights stay In Hi-tiddly-hi-ti Isle. Hi-tiddly-hi-ti Island, everybody wears a smile; Hi-tiddly-hi-ti Island, everybody lives in style. Instead of grass the cows chew pins, And when their milking time begins, The milk comes out in shilling tins, On Hi-tiddly-hi-ti Isle Back To Top Of Page HITTING THE HIGH SPOTS NOW Can't help grinning, I've been winning, had a real good do, And now I'm telling you, grey skies are turning blue! What a racket! What a packet I have won today; Troubles over, I'm in clover, everythings O.K. I feel like a millionaire, I'm all deluxe, and how! I'm in the money, tasting the honey, Hitting the high spots now! All my frowns have turned to smiles, no wrinkles on my brow. I’m stepping out more, getting about more, Hitting the high spots now! Life is what you make it, so make it worth while Whatever comes just take it, You've got to sing along and get in rhythm. I'm on top of all the world, I'm making good and how! Turning the switch on, putting the ritz on, Hitting the high spots now! I’ll be living like a Lord and Lord knows who or how, I’m in the right school, going to night school Hitting the high spots now! Horses, women, wine and song, and greyhound’s too Bow Wow When there’s a ‘cert on, putting my shirt on, Hitting the high spots now! Well, Life is what you make it, so just make it worth while Whatever comes just take it, You've of to sing along and get in rhythm. In the best society I soon will make my bow, Dressed up tricky, with a clean shirt on Hitting the high spots I’ll be a big shot Hitting the high spots now! Back To Top Of Page HOLD YOUR HATS ON It's time that we were saying cheerio. We hate to leave you but we've got to go But the sooner we hit the track, then the sooner we'll come back And it won’t be long before we say hello. Hold your hats on toodle-oodle-oo. Hold your hats on, we will see it through Where the ocean's deeper and the beer is cheaper Hold your hats on, we've a job to do. So we roam o'er the foam, but we'll soon come sailing home While the tide is turning keep the home fires burning Hold your hats on toodle-oodle-oo, we've a job to do We'll be seeing you, toodle-oodle-oo. Hold your hats on toodle-oodle-oo Hold your hats on, girls I'm telling you When the wind blows over, your white cliffs of Dover Hold your hats on till the storm is through. In a squall you may fall, right upon your "bless 'em all" Though the bad boy tarters may see your pink blushes Hold your hats on like the sailors do, If they get a view, just a thing or two, toodle-oodle--oo. Hold your hats on toodle-oodle-oo Hold your hats on, in the army too If the sergeant's mustard don't call him a custard Hold your hats on or the clink for you When you plod (Yes sir) when you plod, don't call him a silly fool For that sergeant snarling may be someone's darling Hold your hats on when he's drilling you, tell him what to do With his bayonet too, toodle-oodle-oo. Back To Top Of Page HOMEGUARD BLUES The Saint Louis Blues, the Bye Bye Blues I've had 'em all yes sir, the big and the small They all were good, you must allow, but oh brother there’s another now I've got the Home Guard blues, I've got the Home Guard Blues. On sentry go in the night If it's wet the water trickles down your neck to where it tickles, And the raindrops ooze through your socks and shoes. If you're feeling on the black side with the wind around your earholes Then you'll get those Home Guard Blues. I've got the Home Guard Blues, I've got the Home Guard Blues, On sentry go in the night When the Sergeant's wife, a beauty, said now you must do your duty, How could I refuse, his wife to amuse. But she found me rather lacking, and then said come on get cracking, Or I'll get those Home Guard Blues. I've got the Home Guard Blues, I've got those Home Guard Blues. On sentry go in the night. "Who goes there?" I asked a lancer and got such a filthy answer. Oh! what words to use, I blushed to my shoes. I said "Pass friend sweet as sugar" he replied "Shut up you blighter" Now I've got those Home Guard Blues. Back To Top Of Page