OH DEAR MOTHER I called round last night, my best girl to see Felt in such a plight when she sat on my knee. Oh dear Mother well I didn't know what to do, Oh dear Mother we shared the same chair too. She clung to me both hard and fast And thought her chance had come at last, But oh dear Mother, well I didn't know what to do. Oh dear Mother well I didn't know what to do Oh dear Mother a wasp down her neck flew. It settled somewhere I could tell She told me where it was as well, But oh dear Mother well I didn't know what to do. At a christening once I felt far from bold When they gave to me the baby boy to hold Oh dear Mother well I didn't know what to do Oh dear Mother I wore my best suit too They sprinkled water on his hair, there was water water everywhere But oh dear Mother well I didn't know what to do. Oh dear Mother well I didn't know what to do Oh dear Mother an old woman who lived in a shoe I called to see her kids galore She said she'd room for a couple more, But oh dear Mother well I didn't know what to do. Oh dear Mother well I didn't know what to do Oh dear Mother when in the bed with 'flu A young girl felt my pulse but Lor' My temperature rose more and more And oh dear Mother well I didn't know what to do. Oh dear Mother well I didn't know what to do Oh dear Mother whilst bathing in the blue Some girls when I came out undressed Took snapshots of my family crest And oh dear Mother well I didn't know what to do. Oh dear Mother, well I didn't know what to do. Back To Top Of Page OH YOU HAVE NO IDEA Now once a lovely lady, a magazine reporter Met some chaps one day in the forces by the way She said "Do tell me all about the good times you get maybe" They said "All right, sit down we'll tell you all about it baby". Do we have lovely time and get up at half past nine? Oh you have no idea When we wake up half dead, do they bring us tea to bed? Oh you have no idea And when we go to bye-byes and they put out the light Do all the corporals come round, to see that we're all right. And does the sergeant tell us bed time stories every night Oh you have no idea. When our dear old sergeant's mad, what is it we call the lad? Oh you have no idea. When his charming voice is heard do we all give him the bird? Oh you have no idea. And when we're all parading, does he give us the works And does the sergeant love to see us doing morning jerks And does he throw his chest out and call us a lot of twerps? Oh you have no idea . Our old cookie is a treat and what he does to the meat Oh you have no idea. When he makes some Yorkshire Pud, is it 1ike a lump of wood? Oh you have no idea . And when it's time for dinner and we all fancy fish He brings a lot of rissoles in, so we don't get our wish. Do we tell him what to do with all those rissoles, on his dish? Oh you have no idea. Back To Top Of Page OH! DON'T THE WIND BLOW COLD? Some folks like the weather cold, it's healthy they tell you. It may be dense but where's the sense if your nose keeps turning blue? On the day that I was born I was just ten minutes old. I popped my head 'neath the clothes and said, "Brrr! don't the wind blow cold?" Sailor Joe got shipwrecked on a raft that pitched and rolled. He yelled and raved as a shirt he waved "Oh! don't the wind blow cold?" There's no sense in shivering until you start to freeze. What's the use of quivering and shaking at the knees. Cried Maudie on the pillion seat, "it was great fun I was told But when you ride with you're legs astride, Oh! don't the wind blow cold?" A Scotchman for an advert once around the town he strolled On a pair of stilts in Scotchman's kilts, Wow! don't the wind blow cold? While Miss Jones was in her bath, our Curate called I'm told. He saw the door ajar, giggled, "There you are, Oh! don't the wind blow cold?" There's no sense in shivering until you start to freeze. What's the use of quivering and shaking at the knees? Six Fan Dancers did their dance, six Fan Dancers bold. They only had five fans - so what? Oh! didn't the wind blow cold? I saw some lovely bathing belles, upon the beach they rolled. They jumped to their feet when I said, "Tweet tweet, Oh! don't the wind blow cold?" When Godiva rode her horse round Coventry I'm told, She cried and sobbed, "Eemy hair I've bobbed, Oh! don't the wind blow cold? There's no sense in shivering until you start to freeze. What's the use of quivering and shaking at the knees? A girl I cuddled in the park said, "Please, let go your hold. Something's ripped and I think it's slipped, Oh! Mother don't the wind blow cold?" Back To Top Of Page ON THE BEAT If you want to know the time ask a policeman The proper rhythmic time, ask a policeman Every copper on the beat, yeh he's got rhythm in his feet One step, two. step, three step, four step, rag time, jazz time swing, We're always on the beat, the lads in blue are always on the beat. We raise our batons and we raise our voices in song To keep us cheery when we're swinging along, We're always smart and neat, to see us passing gives the girls a treat They all start waving and we wink a friendly eye, Hear them whisper "Ain't she sweet" we can sweep them off their feet Why do all the nursemaids say "Oh I think you police are marvelous" Who's with cook on her half. day "My rhapsody in blue" Why do all the convicts shout "I think you police are marvellous". What is all this fuss about, well I’m not asking you For the reason is plain let me tell you again. We're always on the beat, you'll see us standing guard on every street If things upset you there's no need to worry or frown Ask a policeman and he won't let you down For anyone you meet, is bound to tell you that we're hard to beat We know the answers and we tell you one and all If you're wandering up and down, we'll show you how to go to town Because we're on the beat. We're always on the beat, we're not allowed to stop and take a seat. We keep on walking through the winter, summer and spring Rain or sunshine well it don't mean a thing We're always on our feet, we suffer agonies from cold and heat But we don't grumble for our duty must be done Though we may be full of aches we never have to ask for breaks Because we're on the beat. Back To Top Of Page ON THE H.M.S. COWHEEL On the H.M.S. Cowheel each time I go to sea To the waves I wave my hand and the waves wave back to me. All of my joints very soon they'll seize up I've got to sleep with my blinking knees up. My bed's shrunk, that's all bunk, on the H.M.S. Cowheel. My supper tripe was tough and stringy, I'd been chewing up a rubber dinghy. It's not grub, it's India rub on the H.M.S. Cowheel. Oh a sailor's life and a sailor's wife, that's the life for me, An able seaman free, as able as can be. Now I'm a sea dog someone told me If I'm a dog then a pup they've sold me. They can't boast one lamp post, on the H.M.S. Cowheel. Off to a wreck full speed we're going Half a dozen girls on a raft we're towing Save their lives, we need wives, on the H.M.S. Cowheel. Into the dry dock when we've got 'em, We'll get to work and scrape their boilers, We won't shirk for dirty work, on the H.M.S. Cowheel. Oh a sailor's life and a sailor's wife, that's the life for me, An able seaman free, aye, as able as can be. When we're ashore at night at Dover We give the ladies the quick once over Hoist your slacks then make tracks, for the H.M.S. Cowheel. I take the wheel and I box the compass, My clever boxing causes a rumpus Just one round then we're aground, on the H.M.S. Cowheel. When all the rest of the crew are resting Up in the crow's nest I'm bird nesting Eggs are few, but we might lay two, on the H.M.S. Cowheel. Oh a sailor's life and a sailor's wife, that's the life for me, An able seaman free, by gum, as able as can be. Carrying a kit bag home I trundle, Suddenly the wife sees my big bundle She says "Gee, is that for me, from the H.M.S. Cowheel?" Back To Top Of Page ON THE WIGAN BOAT EXPRESS On the boat express I ride, see us every day Flashing by the countryside, picking flowers on the way Once a wedding pair didn’t seem to care they were full of love I guess And the honeymoon started far too soon on the Wigan Boat Express. A chap one day with a girl got gay, I saw them both caress She got what for in the corridor on the Wigan Boat Express. When we shunt the back’s in front and the front part’s in the rear If we survive then we’ll arrive alongside Wigan Pier. Cried a lady "Oo bring a doctor do, I think I’m in distress." She was feeling shocks in a signal box on the Wigan Boat Express. On a steep incline one day, the train was standing still. I said we can’t wait here all day so we pushed it up the hill. If it’s wet or fine we start at nine, we’re prompt I must confess. And by half-past one two miles we’ve done on the Wigan Boat Express. Once a chap I saw on the engine floor, he’d gone to sleep I guess But he woke to find a tender behind on the Wigan Boat Express. Now when we shunt the back’s in front and the front part’s in the rear If we survive then we’ll arrive alongside Wigan Pier. Mrs. Brown looked swell but sad to tell on the door she tore her dress And the sun shone gay through the permanent way on the Wigan Boat Express. Now when we shunt the back’s in front and the front part’s in the rear If we survive then we’ll arrive alongside Wigan Pier. In the sleeping car they go too far, all mixed up more or less But they rearrange when I shout "All change" on the Wigan Boat Express. Back To Top Of Page ORDINARY PEOPLE You know Sally, when I was just a kid like all the others did, I used to dream about my life's ambition. In turn I planned to be, aye, a sailor on the sea, A crook, a boy scout or even a politician. But here I am with all the dreams I've had, An ordinary chap but still I'm glad. Ordinary people like you and me, happy and contented as we can be. We can walk on air on our ordinary feet, Strolling hand in hand along an ordinary street. Ordinary people are we until, the ordinary time of day is through, And when the ordinary moon - is in the ordinary sky, What extraordinary things we'll do. I had my dreams as well, though they're not much to tell. My schoolgirl head was filled with idle fancies. But most of all by far I longed to be a star, The heroine of Hollywood romances. But here I am with nothing as I planned, An ordinary girl ,and gee it's grand! Ordinary people like you and me, happy and contented as we can be. We can walk on air on our ordinary feet, Strolling hand in hand along an ordinary street. Ordinary people are we until, the ordinary time of day is through. And when the ordinary moon - is in the ordinary sky, What extraordinary things we'll do. What extraordinary things we'll do. Back To Top Of Page OUR FANNY’S GONE ALL YANKEE Our Fanny ain’t the girl she used to be, The Yanks have surely carried her away, Although she comes from Wigan by the sea, You’d think that she was born in U.S.A. Oh, she’s very fond of Spam, and she’s always shouting, "Scram" Our Fanny’s gone all Yankee And she talks in her sleep about her boyfriend’s jeep, Our Fanny’s gone all Yankee. Woodbines she used to smoke, now she thinks that there a joke, With a Camel in her mouth she’s very swanky. She drinks whisky, gin and rum and she’s always chewing gum, ‘cause Our Fanny’s gone all Yankee. She never mentions ‘Ee by gum’ no more "O.K big boy sez you" you’ll hear her say, Now Fanny say’s she’s lots of plans in store Cause a doughboy’s promised taking her away. And she’s told all her mates that she’s going to the States, Our Fanny’s gone all Yankee. She say’s she’ll make good when she gets to Hollywood Our Fanny’s gone all Yankee When in her Sunday best with Yankee wings pinned on her breast, And the stars and stripes embroidered on her hanky She’s wearing Yankee hose and she’s talking through her nose, Our Fanny’s gone all Yankee And she thinks it’s grand when they walk out hand in hand, Our Fanny’s gone all Yankee Hot dogs she loves to eat and have a cuddle in the street, Our Fanny’s gone all Yankee She don’t wait for the dark when she wants to have a lark, In a bus or a train she does her hanky panky, And when she argues with her mum she shouts, "Ha, ha you’ve had it chum." Our Fanny’s gone all Yankee Back To Top Of Page OUR SERGEANT MAJOR Now there’s a sergeant major, enjoys life will he can. He proves to all the ladies he’s a soldier and a man. He sticks out his chest, two pillows in his vest, A bolster under his rotunda, Our Sergeant Major. His medals break our hearts, he won them playing darts, And while competing, who was cheating? Our Sergeant Major He’s far away the worst friend we’ve ever had, When he’s far away well, we’re mighty glad. In the canteen bar, you know what sergeants are, When we’ve passed out, who’s the last out, Our Sergeant Major. He’s got a raucous voice, his language isn’t choice, In clink we’d shove him, how we’d love him, Our Sergeant Major. His weight about he’d throw, the wicked so and so, Who’d even smother his own mother, Our Sergeant Major. He’s far away the worst friend we’ve ever had, When he’s far away well, we’re mighty glad. Our bugler goes his rounds, and when the bugle sounds. Forever lasting, who’s he blasting? Our Sergeant Major. Now he makes raw recruits, just tremble in their boots, He calls them slackers, who’s gone crackers? Our Sergeant Major. His feet fill up the road, knock-kneed and pigeon toed, We’d sooner shoot him then salute him, Our Sergeant Major. He’s far away the worst friend we’ve ever had, When he’s far away well, we’re mighty glad. The mascot goat we own, so big and fat has grown, Wild and warlike, he’s far more like, Our Sergeant Major. OUR SERGEANT MAJOR (Good Version) Now, proud of him are we, he's generous as can be, So sentimental, kind and gentle, our sergeant major. He's got a heart of gold, so fearless and so bold, He's like a Samson; strong and handsome, our sergeant major, He's far away the best friend we've ever had, And when he's far away, well, we're mighty sad. We praise him to the sky, for him we'd gladly die, We all caress him, shout 'God bless him,' our sergeant major. To us he is so good, be rough he never could, We never fear him; always cheer him, our sergeant major. On fairy tales he's keen, he's our good fairy queen, He's tall and slender, sweet and tender, our sergeant major. He's far away the best friend we've ever had, And when he's far away, well, we're mighty sad. If there should be a war, don't worry on that score, Once we're in it, who could win it, our sergeant major! Back To Top Of Page OUT IN THE MIDDLE EAST A fellow in the forces was writing a letter From somewhere in the East, talk of a blinking feast. He said "It's just like Blackpool sands, we play with hand grenades If we had known we would have brought along our buckets and spades Out in the Middle East you can have a lot of fun, Out in the Middle East by the Mediterranean. Join the forces, they used to say, and see the world it sounds O.K. But you see now't but sand all day, Out in the Middle East And when you're hungry, they never serve you up some hot-pot You never get a gentle breeze a-blowing round your what-knot. On your heads you've hats like saucepan lids, You take off your well I never did's It gets a bit hot round the pyramids Out in the Middle East. La la la la la Out in the Middle East you can have a lot of fun Out in the Middle East by the Mediterranean. The ladies don't wear too much gear, It's much too hot for that I fear You ought to see what we see here, Out in the Middle East. And our old sergeant, a little lad who comes from Preston, You'll hear him singing "Bless 'em all" with nothing but his vest on. Our fat old cookie, Corporal Platt, is now as thin as a cricket bat, The sun got at his lump of fat, Out in the Middle East. La la la la la Out in the Middle East you can have a lot of fun. Out in the Middle East by the Mediterranean. The Tattooed lady, what a gal, she lives down by the Suez Canal. For twopence she'll show you the Taj-Ma-hal Out in the Middle East. That girl is tattooed all over for your close inspection. The officers say "Gad sir, what a nice schoolgirl complexion." On her chest there Winston can be found and, if you care to look around There's Goering's mug where she sits down,"Out in the Middle East. Back To Top Of Page PARDON ME Pardon Me I think we've met before, that's what all the young men say, Won't you come out for a walk with me today. Pardon Me I'd like to hold your hand like the movie fellas do I'd be proud to let folks see me out with you I know that I'm no four leaf clover and moreover I'm no Casanova, but I like you just the same Pardon Me I don't mean to offend, indiscreet though I may And I hope the likes of you will Pardon Me. Pardon Me I think I've dropped a plate, that's a foolish thing to do But I'm glad I introduced myself to you. Pardon Me if I should criticise, but you really can't deny There's a fascinating twinkle in your eye. I know that I'm no four leaf clover and more-over I'm no Casanova, but I like you just the same. Pardon Me I feel a great big chump, as goofy as can be If I look like that to you then Pardon Me. Pardon Me I know what's on your mind but you don't know what's on mine And before you do I think I'll draw the line. Pardon Me it's true I never knew such a captivating smile For a smile from you I'd gladly run a mile. I know that I'm no four leaf clover and moreover I'm no Casanova, but I like you just the same. Pardon Me it's turned out nice again, you're as busy as a bee And if I get busy too, then Pardon Me Back To Top Of Page THE PLEASURE CRUISE Holiday time, some sunny clime, calling to you and me, You quickly choose a wonderful cruise, out on the open sea, The first day you're content, you're awfully glad you went. On a Pleasure Cruise to drive away your blues, The pleasures of a Pleasure Cruise. Down the companion way you fall ten times a day, Someone finds you sitting on the point of the Captain's compass. On the deck you nearly break your neck, your sea legs you can't use, You dive into the ocean for a swim, it's such a lark Till you find you've been bitten in the bulwarks by a shark, Oh what a Pleasure Cruise, to drive away your blues, The pleasures of a Pleasure Cruise. Steamers and tramps show coloured lamps, Amber and green and red, Your ship runs aground but somehow you've found the street traffic lights instead. You sail once more then find, you've left half the ship behind. On a Pleasure Cruise to drive away your blues The pleasures of a Pleasure Cruise. Your cabin's far too small, you've got no room at all, Someone find you sitting in your bunk with your feet through the porthole. One dark night I turn first left and right, my way I seemed to lose A honeymooning couple then created such a scene, Because I was discovered where the bridegroom should have been Oh, what a Pleasure Cruise, to drive away your blues The pleasures of a Pleasure Cruise. Back To Top Of Page QUICK-FIRE MEDLEY My son he wanted knowledge, so I sent him to college, Eton and Oxford, Cambridge, too. He learned the concertina now he's a window cleaner. It’s ain’t nobody's business what I do, oh what I do. Oh what I do, oh it ain't nobody's business what I do I mean to show my malice, buy him the Crystal Palace. It ain't nobody's business what I do I wanted relaxation so I took my vacation, down on the farm with friends I knew. I meant to raise the dickens, played around with all the chickens. It ain’t nobody's business what I do; Oh what I do. Oh what I do, oh it ain't nobody's business what I do. One trick I tried to pull was milking a tough old bull. Oh it ain't nobody's business what I do So you met someone who set you back on your heels, goody, goody. And you met someone and now you know how it feels, goody, goody. So you gave him your heart too, Just as I gave mine to you, and he broke it in little pieces now how do you do. Well you lie awake just singing the blues all night, goody, goody. And you think that love's a barrel of dynamite Hurray and Hallelujah, you had it coming to you. Goody goody for him, goody goody for me. And I hope you're satisfied you rascal you. And I don't like your peaches 'cause they are full of stones, But I like bananas, because they have no bones. I don't like tomatoes and I don't like ice cream cones. But I like bananas, because they have no bones. No matter where I go, with Flo or May or Hannah, I want the world to know I must have my banana. Cabbages and onions hurt my singing tones, But I like bananas because they have no bones. Back To Top Of Page ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD Now I got a notion while crossing the ocean, that the world was anything but small But when I landed here it was soon very clear, that its not so big after all. 'Cause there's your own kith and kin there to welcome you in On the other side of the world. They're the same kind of folks who crack the same kind of jokes On the other side of the world. And if you go for a stroll you'll see a flag on the pole, and meet the people who've kept it unfurled. And when a couple's honey doveing its the same kind of loving On the other side of the world. Though we're miles from your shore its like living next door On the other side of the world. We've the same kind of names and play the same kind of games On the other side of the world. And when the trouble is thick, like glue together we'll stick and we'll keep the old banner unfurled So its a very happy meeting and I bring a special greeting from On the other side of the world. It's a long way to roam when you're making your home On the other side of the world. Every Jack and his Jill get the same kind of thrill On the other side of the world. Girls wear the same fancy stuff for pretty - thats quite enough and their hair is both shiny and curled We eat the same kind of sandwich and we speak the same language On the other side of the world. Dear old England's our home and if ever you roam On the other side of the world There's a welcome for you from the Red, White and Blue On the other side of the world So if you sail to our shore just give a knock on the door and we'll keep the old banner unfurled It would give us so much pleasure and your visit we will treasure On the other side of the world Back To Top Of Page