JOHN WILLIE, COME ON I'm a man that's fond of seeing life and my wife by the way, she said to me: "John Willie, you shall have a holiday". She took me up to London, the sights to let me see And when we arrived at St. Pancras the wife she said to me: "John Willie, come on! Mind you don't get run o'er. A lady came to me and said, "Have we not met before?" My wife said, "Miss, how dare you, that's me husband though be done". Y'know, it's mine, I found it first, John Willie, come on!" She took me by the hand into a picture gallery I saw a champion picture there, it fairly tickled me It was a woman in the sea with long hair on her head I was getting interested when the wife turned round and said: "John Willie, come on! That picture makes you stare It's only Venus rising from the sea, so don't stand there". I couldn't take me eyes off it when the wife she shouted, "John: Tide's coming in - it's not going out, John Willie, come on!" We went in Madame Tussaud's waxworks show and it were grand And there we saw all't' waxworks kings and queens all shaking hands There was Mary Queen of Scots and Queen Elizabeth, you see They fairly took me fancy when the wife she said to me: "John Willie, come on! It's closing time you see". The lights went out and all was dark and quiet as can be. On turning round to my surprise, I found my wife had gone And I'm sure I heard Queen Elizabeth say: "John Willie, come on!" Back To Top Of Page JOHN WILLIE'S JAZZ BAND You've heard of Yankee jazz bands and the dog fights they all play, But there's a Lanky jazz band that can lick them any day John Willie's ragtime jazz band it's the bestest band what am And the music 'pon my Sam is as sweet as Tickler's jam. There's ragtime cowheel Joe and me and a lot more lads from Tennessee. 'Though we’re not darkies, say, we're getting on that way. Baby dear, baby dear, come on along and hear John Willie's Jazz Band It's the best band in the land, it's a full band when we're canned. We have a trombone, we have a ham-bone and when we play all round the houses Our rags, some rags, well you ought to see the drummer's trousers Baby dear, baby dear, never mind the beer, come and look at these lads From the tripe plantations down in Wigan land - tally ho - ship ahoy. And when a cook shop we are playing near, we turn black puddings white with fear Baby dear, Baby dear, come on a long and hear John Willie's Jazz Band. Patter Baby dear, Baby dear, come on along and hear John Willie's Jazz Band. Back To Top Of Page THE JOO JAR TREE Somewhere out in Joo Jar land in a forest fine and grand Miles and miles above the sea stands the mighty Joo Jar tree The Joo Jar tree The Joo Jar tree, the finest tree that you ever did see Last July it grew so high, it poked a hole through the bright blue sky Sailors say when they're down that way, from two till half past three On it's branches big and strong, prehistoric animals are shuffling along And they keep on shuffling, shuffling, shuffling up the Joo Jar tree Its trunk's the most gigantic size you just can't believe your eyes Little doggies whoop with glee when they see the Joo Jar tree The Joo Jar tree, The Joo Jar tree, the finest tree that you ever did see Last July it grew so high, it poked a hole through the bright blue sky Sailors say when they're down that way, from two till half past three You'll see Tarzan of the Apes, with a big banana and a lovely bunch of grapes And he keeps on climbing, climbing, climbing up the Joo Jar tree A nice pink elephant you will see shouting, "I'm a fairy" as he flits from tree to tree And he keeps on flitting, flitting, flitting up the Joo Jar tree The big baboon with purple patch, is yelling to his lady love who won't come up to scratch And he keeps on yelling, scratching, yelling up the Joo Jar tree Joo Jar maidens young and fair, only wear a necklace to protect them from the air And they keep on shivering, shivering, shivering up the Joo Jar tree You'll see things that don't seem true If you don't believe 'em well you know what you can do You can keep on climbing, climbing, climbing up the Joo Jar tree Oh the Joo Jar tree The Joo Jar tree, the finest tree that you ever did see Last July it grew so high, it poked a hole through the bright blue sky Sailors say when they're down that way, from two till half past three Beneath that tree don't dare to stop Pennies down from heaven isn't what the birdies drop You must keep on moving, moving, moving from under the Joo Jar tree Back To Top Of Page KATY DID, KATY DIDN’T There s a burning burning question, concerning Katy Brown And there's a bit of a suggestion on the way they talk in town. Who came to Sunday school with cherries on her lips? Katy did, (Katy didn't,) Katy did, (Katy didn't,) Katy did ,Katy didn't) oh she did And who chased the banker's boy and ran away and hid? Katy did, (Katy didn't,) Katy did, (Katy didn't,) Katy did ,Katy didn't) oh she did. Gracious what a scandal every other girl would cry, She can't hold a candle to somebody such as I. But who got the banker's boy and fifty thousand quid? Katy did, (Katy didn't,) Katy did, (Katy didn't, You can bet your life she did. And who made the football team break training in the spring? Katy did, (Katy didn't,) Katy did, (Katy didn't,) Katy did ,Katy didn't) Katy didn’t do a thing And who dubbed the candy man for candy all the time? Katy did, (Katy didn't,) Katy did, (no she didn't,) (She did) ,she didn't need a dime. Gracious ain't it awful all the other girls would wail, Really it's unlawful why she ought to go to jail. But who got the banker's boy, the tall and handsome kid? Katy did, (Katy didn't,) Katy did, (Katy didn't,) You can bet your life she did. Now who plays the clarinet and makes the darned thing wail? And who blows the trombone and he tells a woeful tale? Gracious ain't it awful all the other band boys shout He can't blow his trumpet now it's time to throw him out. And who plays the uke and nearly busted all his strings? (Georgie did) Georgie didn't, ((Georgie did,) no I didn't, You can bet your life he did. Back To Top Of Page KEEP FIT Keep fit, take exercise, keep fit and you'll be wise That's it, grow twice your size, whatever you do keep fit Keep fit, and take the air, don't flit to your armchair, You'll get no medals there, whatever you do keep fit. Punch that bag as if you're punching your opponents head, Skip around it might rebound and knock you out instead. Keep fit, now bend the knees, don't sit be careful please You’ll split your doh, ray, me’s, whatever you do keep fit. Keep fit, skip on your toes, that's it, each movement shows, Your bit of muscle grows, whatever you do keep fit. Now skip, an hour or more, don't slip across the floor Into the pub next door, whatever you do keep fit. Punch that bag as if you're punching ,your opponents head, Skip around it might rebound and knock you out instead, Keep fit, you're doing swell, pull up that big dumb bell, Pull up your shorts as well, whatever you do keep fit. Keep fit, dodge in and out, swing lefts and rights about, Each hit a mighty clout, whatever you do keep fit. You call at your girl's flat, just call to have a chat, That's all it stops at that, whatever you do keep fit. Punch that bag as if you're punching ,your opponents head, Skip around it might rebound and knock you out instead, No place like bed at all, in case you hear loves call Your face turn to the wall, whatever you do keep fit. Back To Top Of Page KEEP YOUR SEATS PLEASE There's a catchword getting all the craze, it's the latest phrase, Everybody says "hold tight keep your sets please" No one knows just why it first broke out, what it's all about Why do people shout "hold tight keep your seats please" What a sensation, talk of the nation, how it travels round. Even the Hindoos, Kaffirs and Zulus, they've all got it, Hear them holla it. In the talkies holding hands perhaps, all you girls and chaps, On each others laps Hold tight keep your seats please. If you're in a public bar one day and hear a Scotchman say, For the drinks I’ll pay, hold tight keep your seats please. If a lady speaker starts to bawl, I can prove to all why you women fall. Hold tight keep your seats please. What a sensation, talk of the nation, how it travels round. Even the Hindoos, Kaffirs and Zulus, they've all got it, hear them holla it. Your old flame upon her wedding day hears the parson say "Who’ll give her away" but hold tight keep your seats please. On the donkeys by the gay seaside should the saddle slide Upside down you'll ride but hold tight and keep your seats please. If your landlady who's so precise says the chicken's nice Let me help you twice. Hold tight keep your seats please. What a sensation, talk of the nation, how it travels round. Even the Hindoos, Kaffirs and Zulus, they've all got it, hear them holla it. On the swing boats when you ladies go, mind the crowds below, Take care what you show. Hold tight keep your seats please. Back To Top Of Page KISS YOUR MANSY PANSY Down our street a loving couple cuddle with delight 'Neath the pale moonlight they take hours to say goodnight. Half past ten the neighbors then to bye-byes disappear Words of love float up above and this is what you hear Kiss your mansy pansy, hold his handy pans Talking baby language nobody understands Kiss your mansy pansy, oh tootsy wootsy woo Kiss your mansy pansy, oh potsy wotsy do. All night long they sing this song, the neighbours keep awake They jump out of bed and shout, "Oh please for heaven's sake'' Kiss your mansy pansy, we wanna' be alone Kiss your mansy pansy and send the Pansy With his aims around her neck they cuddle, hug and squeeze He wobbles at the knees but she says , "Keep on please". Full of bliss, oh how they kiss, it's like a hurricane. The clock strikes one, you think they've gone and then they start again. Kiss your mansy pansy, hold his handy pans Talking baby language, nobody understands. Oh Kiss your mansy pansy (go on) tootsy wootsy woo. Kiss your mansy pansy oh potsy wotsy do. All night long they sing this song, the neighbours keep awake They jump out of bed and shout, "Oh please for heaven's sake". Kiss your mansy pansy, we want to be alone. Kiss your mansy pansy, and send the Pansy home. Kiss your mansy pansy, we want to be alone. Kiss your mansy pansy, and send the Pansy home. Back To Top Of Page THE LANCASHIRE HOT POT SWINGERS There's a band of syncopators and they're all first raters Every night excitement is intense. When the leader waves his baton you want to keep your hat on It’s like a hurricane when they commence . It's a real hot rhythm band, it's the finest in the land The Lancashire Hot Pot Swingers. Of instruments they've quite a few, a trombone, hambone, wishbone, too. The Lancashire Hot Pot Swingers. They swing high and low for all they are worth, They ought to take another swing and swing off the earth. At dance halls they make such a din, the floor gives way and the roof falls in On the Lancashire Hot Pot Swingers. The drummer bangs his drum with pride you'd think his missus was inside With the Lancashire Hot Pot Swingers. My music's upside down, one said, so he played it standing on his head With the Lancashire Hot Pot Swingers. They swing high and low for all they are worth, They ought to take another swing and swing off the earth. You ought to hear 'em playing Faust, they play it better when they're soused. The Lancashire Hot Pot Swingers. The cornet player no longer blows so he plays his cornet through his nose With the Lancashire Hot Pot Swingers. Their crooner we bought him a wreath because he swallowed his false teeth With the Lancashire Hot Pot Swingers. They swing high and low for all they are worth, They ought to take another swing and swing off the earth. They broadcast once but, holy snakes, we'd three typhoons and four earthquakes Through the Lancashire Hot Pot Swingers. Their conductor makes a fuss, he swanks 'cause he conducts a bus And the Lancashire Hot Pot Swingers. One chap's got no roof to his mouth, you ought to hear him croon down south With the Lancashire Hot Pot Swingers. They swing high and low for all they are worth, They ought to take another swing and swing off the earth. They blast and blow and blow and blast, you blast each blast folks that's the last Of the Lancashire Hot Pot Swingers. Back To Top Of Page LEANING ON A LAMPOST I’m leaning on a lamp, maybe you think I look a tramp, Or you may think I’m hanging round to steal a car. But no, I’m not a crook, and if you think that’s what I look, I’ll tell you why I’m here and what my motives are. I’m leaning on a lamppost at the corner of the street In case a certain little lady comes by, Oh me, oh my, I hope the little lady comes by. I don’t know if she’ll get away, she doesn’t always get away, But anyhow I know that she’ll try, Oh me, oh my, I hope that little lady comes by. There’s no other girl I would wait for, But this one I’d break any date for, I won’t have to ask what she’s late for. She wouldn’t leave me flat, she’s not a girl like that. Oh she’s absolutely wonderful and marvelous and beautiful And anyone can understand why, I’m leaning on a lamppost at the corner of the street, In case a certain little lady passes by. I’m leaning on a lamppost at the corner of the street In case a certain little lady comes by, Oh me, oh my, I hope the little lady comes by. I don’t know if she’ll get away, she doesn’t always get away, But anyhow I know that she’ll try, Oh me, oh my, I hope the little lady goes wadda dadda da de bom bom. There’s no other girl I could wait for, But this one I’d break any date for, I won’t have to ask what she’s late for. She wouldn’t leave me flat, she’s not a girl like that. Oh she’s absolutely wonderful and marvelous and beautiful And anyone can understand why, I’m leaning on a lamppost at the corner of the street, In case a certain little lady passes by. Back To Top Of Page LET'S ALL GO TO RENO Stand and face your lover, stand and face your lover Stand and face your lover, has anybody seen our cat Hey, hey husbands listen to my story, I have just a brand new phrase to put you in your glory, So just collect your savings for a trip across the sea. I've been there once and I’m going again so come along with me. And let’s all go to Reno, that's a brand new notion. Let's all go to Reno, it's just across the ocean. If you're tired of all this trouble and strife, Got six kids and a married life It'll cost you a dollar to salvage your life, so let's all go to Reno. Have you seen the dairy man, the dairy man, the dairy man Have you seen the dairy man, he'll be the co-respondent. Now then fellas, tell me what about it Are you going to come with me, or do you really doubt it. All those in favour show their hands, like all good Britons do. Just say the word, we'll start at once, and I will see you through. And let's all go to Reno, that's a brand new notion Let's all go to Reno, it's just across the ocean.If the fates on you have cast a spell And married life don't suit you well Just tell your wife to go to bed and let's all go to Reno. She has broken her marriage vows, marriage vows, she knows how She has broken her marriage vows, my fair lady. Patter Well let's all go to Reno that's a brand new notion. Let's all go to Reno, it's just across the ocean. If you come with me I’ll give you a hunch, How to get a new wife at every lunch. Divorces there are a tanner a bunch, so let's all to go Reno. Stand and face your lover, stand and face your lover Stand and face your lover, a-choo, all fall down. Back To Top Of Page LETTING THE NEW YEAR IN On New Year's Eve folks sit up late and have a real do. And as they let the New Year in good luck they wish to you Now we were happy as can be, Letting the New Year in . I stayed up till half past three - Letting the New Year in . I somehow got knocked off my feet, tore my trousers round the seat Then I went walking down the street - Letting the New Year in . We get surprises in galore - Letting the New Year in . I think we've got to blame Old Moor for Letting the New Year in . My wife had twins but I don't shout, who they're like there seems no doubt So I've been throwing the lodger out and Letting the New Year in . I like a lot of cash to spend when I'm Letting the New Year in . Sometimes a horse can prove a friend when Letting the New Year in . The horse I backed would you believe, was running still on New Year's Eve The horse kept shouting "Come on Steve, I'm Letting the New Year in ." Last year just as midnight struck I was Letting the New Year in . I called on Miss Brown for luck Letting the New Year in . She said "Oh doctor I'm not strong, examine me it won't take long. I said "Eh Miss you've got me wrong, I'm Letting the New Year in . One New Year a plot I planned Letting the New Year in . With my blowlamp in my hand I was Letting the New Year in . I broke in a bank that night, a cop dashed in and held me tight. I said "Let go, it's quite all right, Letting the New Year in ." In my car I raced about, Letting the New Year in . Sixty miles an hour all out,Letting the New Year in . Right bang through a house I crashed, in her bath a lady splashed. I said as my little torch I flashed, "Letting the New Year in ." Back To Top Of Page LEVI’S MONKEY MIKE Now Mr. Levi always liked an animal or two And if you went into his house you’d think it was a zoo He went and bought a monkey and , you never saw the like It came from Tipperary so they call that monkey Mike Oh Levi’s Monkey Mike, what a funny creature He went into the church one day and bit the local preacher. The organist as stiff as starch joined the rest at Marble Arch Who was it played the wedding march? Levi’s Monkey Mike. You heard about a Captain who has just gained great renown He played his ukulele while his ship was going down, But some of you may not have heard the most important fact Of someone who was there and did a very gallant act. It was Levi’s Monkey Mike with that good ship he was sailing A life upon the ocean wave had always been his failing. A fact we know is very plain, the ship went down in the angry main Who was it pulled it up again? Levi’s Monkey Mike. A poor old maiden went to bed as poor old maidens will She dreamt abut a nice young man who’s christian name was Bill She looked so sweet and peaceful as she lay there I declare And through the open window came a great big bunch of hair. It was Levi’s Monkey Mike, the cheeky little duffer He chewed up all her lipstick and he pinched her powder puffer. When in her dream she acted queer and whispered, "Darling bite my ear" Who was it answered "all right dear" Levi’s Monkey Mike. Now once we had a parliament but it would never go So they filled it up with animals out of a wild beast show. The lion was Prime Minister, to swank he was disposed They wanted a Lord Chancellor so somebody proposed Levi’s Monkey Mike and he proved quite a good’n He taxed the laces in our boot s and taxed our Christmas puddin’. Now working man just give a cheer, we’re all right now, so never fear Who's going to take the tax off beer? Levi’s Monkey Mike. Back To Top Of Page LIKE THE BIG POTS DO Now isn't it disgusting how some vulgar folks behave When they sit down to eat their food. My father was a baker, so I'm quite well bread you see And no one's more particular when eating food than me To give you information I am able On how you should behave when at the table. Never use your fingers when you're eating stew Wipe your plate with bread just like the big pots do Peas should not be eaten with a knife it's true Eat 'em from the saucepan like the big pots do. Never put both elbows on the table when you eat Leave a bit of room for the other folk to "park" their feet. Always hold your kipper in one hand , not two And wave it when you're talking like the big pots do. Soup should not be eaten with a sponge, oh no! Gargle it quite loudly like the big pots do. When you're eating winkles and the pins are few Smash 'em with a hammer like the big pots do. Watermelons make you rather damp behind the ears. Onions are pathetic and they make you melt in tears. When you eat these dainties you might get wet through So wear a bathing costume like the big pots do. Smoke between the courses that's the fashion new Leave the fag ends on the plate just like the big pots do. If your playful hostess throws a roll at you Smack her with a jelly like the big pots do. When you're eating ices here's a wheeze that you can crack Ices look so pretty sliding down a ladies back If the spoons are silver, pocket one or two To add to your collection like the big pots do. Back To Top Of Page LOW DOWN LAZY TURK A Turk inside his harem, he smokes his Turkish pipe He sits on his Turkish carpet, and he eats his Turkish tripe The way he'll sleep just makes you weep Though he's umpteen wives to keep. He's a low down lazy Turk, he'll do anything but work In his harem every night he'll nibble and bite his Turkish delight. Then when he retires, at him his wives all smirk He won't do much embracing 'cause all night the wall he's facing. He's a low down lazy Turk (he's very bashful), that low down lazy Turk. He's a low down lazy Turk, he'll do anything but work In his harem every night he'll nibble and bite his Turkish delight. As a paying guest, he took in young Miss Quirk ‘neath the blankets nearly smothered who was it that they discovered? Why that low down lazy Turk (she thought she'd lost him) that low down lazy Turk. Oh the low down lazy Turk, he'll do anything but work In his harem every night he'll nibble and bite his Turkish delight. He's not fond of sports, and most games he will shirk Though at billiards he's no player on the cushions he's a stayer He's a low down lazy Turk (he's never snookered) that low down lazy Turk. He's a low down lazy Turk, he'll do anything but work In his harem every night he'll nibble and bite his Turkish delight. Of children he has none, his duties he will shirk He could almost raise a nation but he lacks the inclination He's a low down lazy Turk (he'd rather play darts) that low down lazy Turk. Back To Top Of Page THE LANCASHIRE TOREADOR I've been to Spain but never again, I couldn't go there twice 'Cos my name's John Willie but they said it sounded silly And they wouldn’t call me that at any price. They soon made me change my name and a real proper Spaniard I became, Don Pedro, the great bull-fighting hero, The Lancashire Toreador. They cheer me and when the bull gets near me To show how far a brave man can go with the bull I danced the Tango. Then when I hung on his tail my pants he tried to gore. I went dashing round the ring with him giving chase, Three times he tossed me in the air, I looked a disgrace. They shouted, 'Look at all that skin and bone round the place, It's The Lancashire Toreador.' Don Pedro, the great bull-fighting hero, The Lancashire Toreador. I met-a charming senor-eta She said, 'To love you I can never', then kissed me good-bye for ever. That night, as she retired, she locked her bedroom door. She started to undress and timidly she looked round, Said, 'Thank God, I am rid of him for he's homeward bound', But when she pulled the bed clothes down now guess what she found? Why The Lancashire Toreador. Don Pedro, the great bull-fighting hero, The Lancashire Toreador. I scare 'em, no mercy ever spare 'em. In the dead of night I ramble, Spanish castle walls I scramble. I saw a shadow above a girl in her boudoir. I climbed up her balcony, it started to sway. She shouted, 'Murder! there's a bandit, spare my life, pray'. But when my castanets I rattled she said, 'Hooray! It's The Lancashire Toreador'   Back To Top Of Page